Why show up for sunrise?
Rolling out of our warm and cozy bed in efforts to feel some kind of aliveness and connection amidst our shattered heart stupor, seeking sunrise became medicinal.
An obsession soon emerged in the frigid winter darkness to arrive somewhere special by blue hour to witness the day's first light. Coffee in hand, driving with the heat blasting our feet and the senior pup curled up between our campervan’s bucket seats, our eyes pondered the texture of the sky and ratio of cloud cover as we made our way to the spot.
Standing alone yet together in anticipation, sometimes we were left awestruck by a spectacle of cotton candy skies as the alpenglow bounced off the mountains or foothills to the west. Other times the horizon was blocked by leaden clouds, diffusing the sun’s glowing rays into a soft gradient. We were never left feeling disappointed, as no matter the outcome, the spontaneity injected wonder into our now lackluster view on life. Most enchanting of all, Leo was always present.
Choosing curiosity, joy, and adventure when our son was born with a devastating terminal illness allowed my husband and I to stumble into a fairytale life full of wonder amidst grave uncertainty. Leo’s one-to-three-year prognosed life expectancy—full of sickness and hospitalizations—were audaciously transformed into an unlikely epic adventure, taking place primarily in Colorado’s Front Range and Rocky Mountains. Hiking thousands of miles together as a family, traveling and camping in our pandemic-project self-built campervan, and simply living for our todays became our regular.
This story of big love and tenacious grit was abruptly cut short on 1/14/22, with the unexpectedly swift downturn of Leo’s health. At seven-and-a-half-years-old, his genetic disorder ultimately caught up with him.
Devastated and feeling as though everything in our life is upside down, Ryan and I are now being forced to find our way forward through the forest without a trail.
Cultivating the best years of our life amidst raising a child who was born with a terminal illness shook me awake. We unlocked insurmountable joy, whilst learning to pivot and throw spaghetti at the wall in the vein of “fuck it, why not?!”
Even after Leo’s tragic loss, he continues to be my biggest teacher, inspiring the set tone to continue making something beautiful, despite our constant grapple with the unique sorrowful precariousness of feeling alive after losing a child.
We’re listening to our hearts and taking chances, finding ourselves transitioning toward solace and healing by the Salish Sea on Whidbey Island, Washington. We’re caring for ourselves in a tender way to promote vibrance in longevity amidst the heaviness of grief. We’re grasping daily for the little joys and awes that elicit warmth to our hearts in efforts of coaxing magic into the often dull and difficult. We’re showing up in the darkness, simply to catch the beauty of sunrise—keeping Leo with us every step of the way.
Who is Lewann?
Lewann Babler is a 2023 Lowell Thomas Award winning writer and aspiring children’s book author. Her award-winning piece in Outside Magazine, The Brief, Wondrous Life of Little Leo, was featured in the January/February 2023 print magazine and ended up as one of their top long-reads of the year. She has been featured on Good Morning America, sharing her son Leo’s heartwarming story and legacy with the world. Prior to starting Showing Up for Sunrise, she was a regular contributor to Elephant Journal.
Surrendering to the overwhelming grief amidst coming to terms with acceptance, Lewann abruptly stepped away from her newsletter as a necessity in tending to her health and emotional wellbeing. Over the past year, Lewann has continued to find catharsis amidst raw discomfort in written expression by journaling and sharing often long-winded posts on Instagram. She’s excited to return to Showing Up for Sunrise this spring!
Moving six times in the past five years, she’s bounced around Colorado and the Pacific Northwest, currently calling Whidbey Island, Washington “home” with her husband, Ryan, and rescue pup, Albert. She writes from her heart on memories of adventure with her dearly departed son, Leo, her experience as a bereaved parent amidst the ruthlessness of grief—and the everyday happenings of an outdoorsy couple in love, doing their best to piece their broken world back together with beauty and intention. Through her writing, Lewann’s goal is to shed authentic light to an often hidden experience—illuminating messy transparency, over assumed effortless transcendence.
Stay up-to-date!
Subscribe to get full access to the newsletter and website. Never miss an update.
You won’t have to worry about missing anything. Every new edition of the newsletter goes directly to your inbox.
