Reveling in the Sweet of Bittersweetness — #6
Heartwarming stories from our first Halloween without Leo, spent in magical Bend, Oregon.
Winding our camper van, Leona, up and into the Willamette National Forest, my mind wandered in sanguine wonder between three thoughts.
What would the upcoming Halloween weekend have in store for us? Would Bend, Oregon live up to the hype? And if it somehow managed to, I sardonically considered whether or not I’d even be able to enjoy myself.
Within days of Leo’s passing, Halloween was circled in red on the calendar in our minds as one of the peak heart wrenching days we’d be forced to endure for the first time without him. The previous seven years always included at least a month of planning and crafting in delight for Leo’s unique handmade costumes; which often involved us getting dressed up, too.
To us, this holiday felt special in an obvious way—yet also beautifully normal, since it allowed Ryan and I to partake in something all parents get to do with their children. The joy and effort grew year after year, always leaving us beaming with exhaustion and questioning “how will we ever top this next year?” after putting Leo to bed Halloween night.
As we made our way up in elevation, the Douglas firs towered along both sides of Oregon Route 22, with ferns in shades of red, orange, green, gold, and tan creating an autumnal colored carpet between the trunks. Surrounded by classic Pacific Northwestern fall beauty, we knew this year’s 10/31 would not come close to topping the last. We were, however, committed to at least showing up for the formerly fun and whimsical weekend, despite the pain and heartache.
In sticking true to the tradition that was started four years prior in Colorado, we planned to spend the long weekend hiking in costume, whilst trick-or-treating for trash along trails and trailheads. Our simple costumes—if one would even call them that, especially here in Oregon—included matching buffalo plaid shirts in homage to Leo’s epic Paul Bunyan getup from the year before. The festivity effort was as low as our expectations, but we unexpectedly found ourselves feeling a warmth and welcomed feeling the closer we got to Bend.
Pulling into this charming small city in Central Oregon brought a wave of comfort and an undeniable sense of belonging. We now understood the surprised reactions from those who assumed we’d be moving to Bend over Portland—as yes, the Colorado vibe and similarities in landscape were clear. Passing through town, many camper vans were wedged into the side of driveways with just enough room to back vehicles out of garages. Signs for parks and trails for hiking and mountain biking were scattered throughout town. Most out and about, sidewalk-strolling residents were joined by their beloved canine companions.
What really pulled us in, though, was the shocking abundance of bright golden yellow aspen trees at peak fall color. We were continually brought to tears at the splendor of their quaking leaves in the breeze, triggering many of our favorite memories of hiking under similar golden canopies with Leo on September and early October trips to Breckenridge, Crested Butte and Telluride. The thought of these trees being prevalent—let alone with brilliant amber leaves still attached, adorning their smooth gray branches—never even crossed our minds.
The following day was a blur of site-seeing, hiking and picking up trash at trailhead parking lots, whilst donning our matching bright red and black buffalo plaid shirts. We started with a sunrise hike at Smith Rock State Park, where we were joined by a golden eagle soaring above as we strolled along the river in the canyon, which mirrored the pastel morning sky. Throughout the day we visited several more parks and trails strewn across the city, including up close views of the famous Deschutes River and Mount Bachelor in the distance with a fresh coating of snow. Everywhere we went, there was a unique presence of sweet woodsy vanilla fragrance from the towering ponderosa pines, spiked with a cedary-gin aroma from ripening juniper berries. The scent of the scenes were as beautiful as the terrain!
Our plan for the following day was to experience Crater Lake National Park, which we had made tentative intentions in the fall of 2021 to visit with Leo in the summer of 2022. It was another National Park neither of us had visited, and we looked forward to arriving for an iconic sunrise. Acting on an impulsive hunch to check the park’s status around 9:00 p.m., we learned all but a small section had been closed for the snowy season a day before—making the much longer out and back trip radically less worthwhile.
While already in bed, we hastily cobbled together a new plan, doing our best to banish our disheartened attitudes. Our new day-trip of adventure included chasing waterfalls and hiking along lakes and rivers within the Willamette National Forest. For being a last-minute, slightly ho-hum effort, the sights on our agenda were far from disappointing.
Pulling into the fully vacant trailhead lot—not long after what would have been sunrise, had the seasonal thick blanket of morning clouds not been blocking it—we were surprised to get this popular trailhead completely to ourselves. Hiking the footpath coated in fallen pine needles, with moss-covered rocks and trees in every shade of green between bright technicolor and deep forest, we made our way from Sahalie Falls toward Koosah Falls. In addition to the dense forest, the trail closely meandered along the Mackenzie River, which flowed with a crystalline turquoise hue interrupted by sparkling white rapids.
As we approached Koosah Falls, which dropped 70 feet down from the trail, we saw someone standing motionless with their body weight completely sprawled against the observation deck with open arms propped on the railings and their head resting to the side, facing the waterfall. Ryan, Albert and I were standing at the top of the falls, which wasn’t the best vantage point, but we were apprehensive to approach the person who still hadn’t moved within the five minutes we had been awkwardly dawdling up and down the same 25-foot piece of trail. We could tell it was a man wearing oversized clothing, who was eventually joined by an older woman. Feeling safer to approach, we realized he was simply gaping in awe at the waterfall’s incredible beauty.
In a high pitched voice, the young man formally introduced himself and asked if he could pet Albert. Gleefully, he crouched down and began lovingly running both hands through Albert’s chow-retrieve mane at eye level, repeatedly telling him what a good boy he was. His spirit was high, his energy was bright, and his voice immediately struck me as the tone of voice Leo would have had if he ever became verbal. Standing up, he asked us how many waterfalls we had seen in our lives, Ryan and I laughed and said we weren’t sure—before we had the opportunity to ask him, he blurted out in excitement that this was the second waterfall he had ever seen. We let him know there was another just a couple miles up the trail that he could get even closer to, to which he laughed and proudly stated that was his first waterfall on the day before.
Eventually saying our goodbyes, we parted ways and headed back the way we came from, toward the trailhead near Sahalie Falls. A quarter of a mile in, I was floored by a wave of emotion and started sobbing out of appreciation over the unique interaction with the sweet developmentally disabled young man we just had. In awestruck wonder, I questioned the chances that he was the only other human we would run into on this popular trail. Sharing his excitement over witnessing nature’s magic in waterfalls for the first time was a gift. As was his connection of loving reinforcement toward Albert being “the best boy” over and over, met with Albert’s uncharacteristic warmth toward a total stranger. We were meant to cross paths and I still think of him regularly, mostly with hopes that others are helping him get out to see more waterfalls that elicit such joy.
Making our way back toward Bend, now in the daylight, we passed a lifesize Smokey Bear statue at the Deschutes National Forest Ranger’s Station, just outside the city of Sisters. Our connection with Smokey Bear has run deep since experiencing the record-breaking wildfire season of 2020 in Colorado—where Leo dressed up as “Smokey’s Helper” for Halloween. Through Instagram, Leo connected with countless members of the wildland firefighting community, who sent him beautiful letters of admiration and gratitude for his encouragement. These letters were often paired with patches, stickers, blankets, and in one case a heavy duty gold belt buckle from the Navajo Region’s Helitrack Crew. Shortly after moving to Oregon, we jumped at the opportunity of outfitting Leona with the state’s “Keep Oregon Green” license plate that includes Smokey’s face and helps fund wildfire prevention.
Of all the traveling we’ve done across the western United States with Leona, we’ve passed hundreds of Smokey Bear signs referencing the current wildfire danger levels, from low to extreme—but never a statue. The sight of Smokey immediately brought a warmth to our hearts, even with the pang of grief evoked by the wish of Leo being here to get his picture with him. Instead of Ryan supportively balancing Leo’s 16-pound frame up on Smokey’s forearm, we settled on placing Leo’s Colorado baseball cap in his place, and tearfully snapped a few photos, knowing he was obviously there with us in spirit.
These sweet experiences would have been missed, had we not pivoted when met with the disruption of our plan to visit Crater Lake.
Ryan and I are still unsure on how we landed on going to Bend for the 2022 “Halloweekend,” but given the abundance of serendipitous moments, the decision was likely made for us. Thank you, Leo! Unexpected new Halloween memories were made, the surprising beauty of heart healing was embraced, and the warmth of his presence somehow managed to turn a weekend of expected heartache to comfort, magic, adventure and joy.
Isn’t it delightful when the bittersweetness of life marvels us by falling on the sweeter side?
Aw, I could see an experience the wonder through your words. Thank you, Lewann for continuing to share with us. 💛
I'm so glad you included the costume pics. I'm not sure what I love more, Leo as Rufio or Leo as Lil Sebastian. Hilarious and adorable! <3