Find Leo in Outside Magazine! — #5
What a gift it's been to celebrate and share our sweet, outdoor-loving, gone-too-soon little boy.
LEO’S STORY IS FEATURED IN OUTSIDE MAGAZINE!
And I got to write it! After months of having to keep this project under wraps, it feels so good to finally share!
https://www.outsideonline.com/culture/love-humor/little-leo/
The opportunity to write a memoir-style essay on parenting Leo—including the good, the bad, and the painful—and what it looked like to support his love of the outdoors was presented the day before what would have been his 8th birthday, on 5/4/2022.
In the front seats of our camper-van, Leona, parked outside a bustling Portland Barnes & Noble, Ryan and I each paged into the spread of our hot-off-the-press copies of the January/February issue of Outside Magazine—aptly on the day after Leo’s first death anniversary. Immediately bursting into tears, it was the biggest full-circle moment of sublimity I’ve experienced thus far in my life. The poetic nature was almost too much to handle, and was the peak of beauty amidst an otherwise fairly brutal 4-day weekend spent honoring his loss, surrounded by the landscape of Washington’s San Juan Islands.
The culmination of seeing the words I painstakingly agonized over, for months, in print—accompanied by art I only heard was incredible—provided one of life’s rare and genuine take-your-breath-away moments with an overflowing cocktail of boundless awe, joy, nostalgia, pride, grief, longing and love. Resisting the often daily urges to shoot my editor a quick email in desperate desire for a preview, made the anticipatory process totally worth the wait.
Through our years of raising Leo, real-time documentation wasn’t a priority. Simply, there just were not enough hours in the day for us. Committing to Leo’s full-time care focusing on holistic health, being in the moment while creating as many joy-filled memories and epic family adventures for Ryan and I to eventually clutch to our hearts as souvenirs, and managing to stay grounded in a work-life balance always came first.
Shortly after Leo’s passing I regretted not devoting more effort to sharing the amazing story we were living, which would have allowed more people to fall in love with Leo while he was still here. In dark moments, I even felt the heavy shame of selfishness for keeping him, and our experiences, to ourselves.
This ugly, grief-driven narrative brought a gloomy cloud of regret to the life we so thoughtfully lived, moment to moment, together as a family. Remembering that our limited resource of time with Leo was best invested in the day-to-day of truly living allowed Ryan and I to release this bitter (and honestly pretty ridiculous) thought.
Leo inspired us to live and dream in an audaciously simple way.
In his physical absence, Ryan and I continue to stumble in efforts of finding our footing along the path we seemed to trailblaze with senseless ease, now just the two of us. We’re still learning how to carry on with him in our hearts, versus in our arms.
We’re striving for equilibrium—honoring our grief, but feeling blessed with the gift of opportunity to share and celebrate Leo, and his magical spirited love for adventure with others for the rest of our lives.
As sweet messages from strangers whose hearts were touched by Leo’s amazing story start to trickle in, it fuels our desire to continue sharing, with hopes that this is just the beginning.
While this feature article will be available on Outside’s Long Reads section of their website in a couple weeks—I’ll be sure to follow up!—it can be found in the current January/February issue available on newsstands everywhere. In 2023, magazines are tougher to find, but Barnes & Noble seems to be the best bet in locating a copy.
If you do find it “out in the wild,” as my Outside editor likes to say, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Lewann, I just read your article after a friend shared it~ I am so incredibly moved by your story - thank you for sharing Leo with the world, and with me. When we choose to love what we know we will lose (though losing is actually, always, the risk of loving), it is a beautiful thing. Grief is so hard, yet so worth the love that comes before it and endures after it. Blessings as you reflect on your precious Leo ~~
As a fellow journalist, I can certainly appreciate the thoughts that go into whether you should or shouldn’t chronicle a special season in your life knowing it will take away from being in the moment. You have done an incredible job sharing this story. I sought you out on social media to tell you how your story has impacted me. I cried and am different for knowing your story. No doubt your story, now that it’s out, will catapult you and Ryan into a world of inspiring other moms and dads challenged with special needs children. May God bless you richly as you continue through life.