Amidst Uncertainty, I'm Leaning on the Illogic — #8
Throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks has gotten us this far. Why stop now?
It should come as no surprise that I’m in the midst of a real-deal existential crisis—an identity crisis that some might even view as an early mid-life crisis.
At the same time; however, this territory is familiar, as Ryan and have become quite skilled at building the plane as we fly since Leo was born, busting our thoughtfully planned life wide open.
We’ve been-there, done-that on all the expected societal norms: getting married in our 20s, having a child soon after, settling down in a neighborhood close to where we both grew up and so on. We were committed to staying the course of the life we had planned, which little by little started crumbling in our hands—eventually illuminating the potential of just letting it all go.
Some have described Leo’s diagnosis as receiving a “shit hand of cards” in life. Which, to their defense, being born with the slew of medical issues and a shortened life expectancy, isn’t exactly pocket aces.
Witnessing our life fray at the seams, we began to notice the more we loosened our grips, the more ease we experienced. Our cookie-cutter life no longer served and it was up to us to reimagine an alternative—playing the newly dealt hand of cards the best we could, trusting our intuition would lead the way.
With this approach spanning across the board to our lives as a whole, above and beyond just how we were raising Leo; we were able to weave, integrate, and build something we never would have dreamed of otherwise.
I remember feeling defeated and heartbroken over closing the doors of my practice focusing on therapeutic massage and self-care. Being really good at something that you genuinely love doing has become rare in our society. In my mind—prior to knowing the complications of what raising my son would entail—connecting with and helping people in my community feel better in their bodies, on my terms and schedule, would make me a better parent.
In the first few weeks after letting my business go, the natural moments of longing for what was planned, and supposed to be, were often met with negative thoughts of shame. While adjusting to no longer having something that had become part of my identity, knowing deep down it was the best decision, I worried I’d lose myself to being only “Leo’s mom.” I grieved the layers of my sacrificed identity that I felt made me who I was, independent of my child.
From where I sit now—in the irony of overwhelming positive response to an award winning magazine featuring Leo’s story, and the amazing life my husband and I fought tirelessly to give him—I’d love to go back in time and give my former struggling-self a hug.
With Leo no longer being here in the physical world, it’s as though I have a new outside perspective in viewing the experience Ryan and I went through as his parents. We threw ourselves in hard. Me, in particular, with the mindset of: if I’m going to be known simply as Leo’s mom, I’m gonna do it really fucking well.
We followed our intuition in caring for him in unconventional ways. We believed in miracles, and surrounded ourselves exclusively with others who were supportive of those miracles. For better or worse, I read over 25 self-help books within a two year span, to keep the fire inside my heart stoked amidst times of uncertainty and disappointment. For a while, toxic positivity ran the show, but without the fake it ‘til you make it attitude, I’m not sure we would have had the ferocious audacity to build our short-lived real life fairytale of beauty and adventure.
Somewhere along the way, the “unrealistic” life we were chasing became real.
It wasn’t just a crazy trail we were lost down, often feeling as though we were bushwhacking in a direction led only by our gut instincts.
Having Leo as my son and purpose was an absolute honor, an experience I’m sure will forever be classified as the best years of my life. Prioritizing love, fun, and adventure in reckless abandon—whilst ignoring the outcome that was bound to derail our joyride, leading Ryan and I to careen down a mountainside in grief—was absolutely worth it.
I cry every day. And have no real sense of purpose, other than licking my wounds and making sure Ryan is doing the same. The grief of the loss of his presence, as well as the everyday hours of endless loving care I needed to provide, has left me feeling broken, discombobulated and despondent.
The crazy thing is, I’m somehow in the best mental health of my life—shoutout to the 9 months of weekly therapy sessions October 2021 through July of 2022, prioritizing legitimate self-care, and feeling my feelings without pressure to feel better.
On a particularly difficult day last week, I chose to catch up on an episode of Brené Brown’s “Unlocking Us” podcast, while sweating out my sorrows in our infrared sauna. The episode was titled Being Illogical with Emmanuel Acho, who was someone I had never heard of.
Listening to him speak, I found his energy to be intense and almost too much for my downcast disposition, as I sat with the heat permeating through my skin and warming my tissue through to the core, while blankly gazing off toward the treetops out our second story window. His enthusiasm for being illogical hit me in the heart at first, making me think to myself, This used to be me. But, not anymore without Leo.
At first, this conversation hurt. Being “illogical” felt unrelatable and made me miss our day to day with Leo. Growing annoyed by listening to this exuberant man, thoughts of self pity surfaced.
Our nest is empty, we’re nearing 40 years old, and have no clue where we’ll be or what we want to do with the rest of our lives. How on Earth is listening to this guy talking about being “illogical” going to benefit me right now?
Eventually giving in to his charm, balanced by Brené’s candor, the episode ended up including a couple inspiring points I needed to hear. Captivating Brené with a story he clearly had years of practice telling, involving a game of high stakes blackjack with a former NFL teammate, he finished by quoting: “I think the biggest lesson there is go with your gut, number one. And I think the second biggest lesson is… This is a good lesson. The second biggest life lesson is, so often we try to play the hand we wish we had instead of the hand we’re dealt.”
Brené, awestruck by this quote, made him repeat it. Hearing it again, instead of feelings of heartsick longing, I experienced a wave of earned pride and gratitude—because that’s exactly what we did in our life with Leo. When he was born, Ryan and I were presented with the opportunity to play a tough hand of cards. Rather than spending our time wishing for something else, we adapted while trusting our guts and made the most of our situation in a smashingly beautiful way.
My spirits began to lift as my mind wandered while Acho and Brené continued their conversation in the background. The last thing I want is for the remainder of my life to be defined by losing Leo. We’re in the thick of our grief—as anyone experiencing such a loss shouldn’t rush through—but there will be better days.
I know Leo is still here with us, and is behind many of the subtle and not-so-subtle hints we’ve been receiving over the past year. He’s here in a literal sense, not orchestrating magic from a faraway heaven.
Do I have proof? No. But I don’t need it.
The sharp, high pitched beep of the sauna timer brought me back into the moment, just in time to catch another timely quote.
In reference to illogical being deliberate, Acho went on to describe it as “Believing it is so, even when it’s not so, so that it can be so.”
Letting this quote marinate while thinking of Leo, and the hopefully many years of life Ryan and I have to figure out with him in our heart, I couldn’t believe my eyes when seeing three peregrine falcons flying in the sky above the treetops of our neighborhood forest.
It’s a completely unlikely sight, as pairs tend to mate for life. The third falcon, which playfully swooped and tucked his wings while diving from the sky, to effortlessly jet across the treetops was likely a young male attempting to impress the coupled-up female. While Leo sends us signs in many ways, falcons and things in threes seem to be his favorites—seeing them both at once at such a moment was powerful beyond words.
I’ve been feeling stuck, but maybe I simply need to tap back into that illogical energy to bring forth what’s next in our life. Believing things can be so, whilst boldly following our instincts no matter how much we’d rather have Leo here with us in physical form.
While we’re taking our time amidst this time of crisis of uncertainty, I’m looking forward to getting my hands on a copy of Emmanuel Acho’s book, Illogical: Saying Yes to a Life Without Limits for further wisdom and inspiration.
Amidst Uncertainty, I'm Leaning on the Illogic — #8
Yes to this one too Lewann. Trust your gut, I have always believed it is our guide. I have refused to hear her signals at times and the outcome was horrific When I listen, which has finally become my usual, she serves me well. Lovely writing, from your heart and thank you for sharing.
Lewann, my dear friend! 🧡🤗 Once again, I enjoy reading another beautifully written piece by you! This paragraph is my favourite: "Witnessing our life fray at the seams, we began to notice the more we loosened our grips, the more ease we experienced. Our cookie-cutter life no longer served and it was up to us to reimagine an alternative—playing the newly dealt hand of cards the best we could, trusting our intuition would lead the way." As we go through our own journeys, many of us have come to the same conclusion that the universe gives us what we need - all we can do is to listen, learn and do our best. Sending you love! 🥰